Ruby and Tango

Ruby and Tango
Me 'n' Ruby and of course Tango

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Just to warn you

As we approach the end of another year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past one. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open or close a bathroom door 
without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread 
because I can only imagine who sat on it without any clothes on since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands 
with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip 
because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch the bottom of any woman's purse 
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money, 
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I can't eat at KFC 
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants 
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy 
gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. 
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex 
since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus 
since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rear end.

I no longer drive my car 
because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening 
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. 

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet.


  1. HAHAHAHAHA, and yes, my hand was on the mouse!

  2. That's great! My hand was on the mouse too. lol

  3. um.....hand on mouse too...sheeesh!!!
    this complicated world of ours, so much knowledge tends to give us all kinds of nightmares to contend with. great post Arlene, and er...thanks for sharing all those worries, xPen x

  4. My hand was and always is on the mouse so proving I must be brain dead! If I get one of these emails sent they are straight in the bin and I block the sender. Simple.

  5. I know it's dreadful Arlene what ever next , it's insanity it really is. My hand was on the mouse LOL xx

  6. Ha ha hahahaahh
    I love this you sound just like me ......And don't forget if you buy a second hand book from a charity shop just think you don't know who has had it before you or what they were doing while reading it people do odd things when reading pick the nose,scratch the head, underarms even the downstairs, i never buy second hand anything unless i know the person it has come from very well

  7. I think we all are guilty of keeping our little mouses warm. maybe it's being brain dead is a requirement of Bloggers.
    Lo I'm always browsing s/hand charity shops for books. LOL in fact I've just ordered 4 off Amazon, and I haven't died and gone to heaven yet, perhaps I'm totally immune from the diseases of the hoi poloi. My oldest girl used to stand outside and wait for me and wouldn't even hold one or carry it for me, she's the same yet, ,can't stand anything second hand.

  8. I meant to add I always keep my toothbrush covered. Just in case.

  9. I had my hand on the moue When I buy a second hand book I rub it down good with the bacterial stuff and I have put them in the

  10. You know we need to have germs around us to stay healthy, without germs our immune system would get week and then the slightest one would kill us.

  11. You're right there Horst, sometimes I think we take the cleanliness thing too far and are making our immunity systems redundant.


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